Just wanted to introduce myself here and tell everyone my story.
I was with my abuser for 10 years, married for 4 of those years. We met online through chat. He randomly messaged me and we ended up talking for hours that day. He was so fun and easy to talk to and I really enjoyed and looked forward to our chats. After about a month we started talking on the phone daily. A few months after we started talking we decided to meet. We met in a public place where a lot of people were around. It was a fun first date. After that, we saw each other a lot. About 6 months after we started dating he asked me to move in with him. I had 2 children and it was a big decision to make that move but we all got along so well that I thought it would be a good move. Things were good for the first few months and then the gaslighting started. For years I didn't even realize that I was in an abusive relationship because he wasn't hitting me. I thought that the only abuse was physical abuse.
He would really tear me down a lot. He told me I wasn't allowed to weigh more than 110lbs and when I did he would make me go on a diet. I already had a bad relationship with food but this only made it a lot worse. He told me I was ugly and unlovable, I was so very lucky that he loved me. I believed him. The house had to be immaculate at all times, not clean but immaculate. He checked everything, door frames, under the fridge, windowsills, absolutely everything. When I vacuumed the lines had to be straight and even.
I wasn't allowed to work because he didn't want me around other men. He said they would only look at me because I was only worth sex and that's all they would see. So for years, I didn't work. The few times he did allow me to work I wasn't able to keep the jobs because he would kick me out a lot. I honestly have no idea how many times he kicked me out or I'd leave and go back in those 10 years.
About 3 years in things turned physical. He would hit, pinch and bite me but only in areas that other people wouldn't be able to see. If he left marks on my legs then I wasn't allowed to wear shorts. I went years without wearing shorts because of it and still to this day have trouble wearing shorts outside of the house.
He eventually isolated me away from everyone and moved me 8 hours from home. I had nobody but him and my kids. After we moved I begged him to let me work. I was bored at home. My kids were in school, he was at work and I needed something to do. I was also craving interaction with other people badly. After months of begging him, he finally agreed to let me get a job and that job was my way out.
I worked at my job for 2 years. All my money went into a joint account and all his money went into his personal account. He used my money to pay bills and left me with very little for gas and groceries. I worked very hard at my job, worked hard at learning not just my position but other positions as well so that I was seen as an asset to the company.
My breaking point with him was him putting his hands on my daughter. Up until that point, he really didn't have a relationship with the kids. They stayed in their room when he was home and when he wasn't we spent time together. When he put his hands on my daughter I knew I had to get out and get out as soon as possible. The next day I went to work and I asked for a raise and was given one. I was given substantially more than I thought I would get. It was a huge relief. So I figured up what the extra would be on my check. I opened a bank account that was out of state. I used a friend's address for the account and made it paperless. I had the extra money I got from my raise and had that direct deposited into that account. As soon as I had enough saved I got me and my kids out of there and never went back.
It's been 10 years since I left him. I still have anxiety and PTSD from that entire relationship. I still have things that I am working through. I have remarried since and have an amazing husband who is so very supportive of me and helps me through any anxiety attacks, flashbacks, nightmares, or times of depression.
I hope to be able to help other women. Help them to recognize all forms of abuse. Help them to create a safe plan to exit an abusive relationship. Help them to realize that there is better out there and help them recognize their worth. Please if you have any questions feel free to reach out and ask me.